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Grief is Not Linear
I don’t think I ever heard of the stages of grief growing up. It was not something anyone talked about. In hindsight, I wish I knew something about grief or the process of grieving before losing one of the most important people in my life; followed by my firstborn child.
The first time I saw the stages of grief was in a pamphlet I received after my mom died. I remember briefly looking at the list but what I felt did not quite fit.
The Stages of Grief:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
The stages of grief came from the 1969 book On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, MD. It was not intended as a road map for the bereaved but the 5 stages of grief were interwoven in everything I experienced when trying to get help after my losses. My ob-gyn, hospitals, two counselors, a social worker, grief groups, and two funeral homes. The list was everywhere.
I read this article recently on the 5 stages of grief indicating, “that the model is not science-based, does not well describe most people’s experiences, and was never even meant to apply to the bereaved.”
I’ll say that again, not science-based and was not meant for the bereaved. The more I read the more I was shocked at how much it is applied in our society without any evidence to back it up.
For me, it did not happen in the way the chart depicted. For the longest time, I thought something was wrong with me like I was not grieving how I should be. The words meant nothing to me. I was in shock and felt completely numb one minute; the next I felt as if I was in a sea of tears choking on them. Nothing made sense anymore. And everywhere I looked, there was the list, the stepping stones on how I was going to get through it, and what I would feel.
When in actuality….
“There are really only two stages of grief, … who you were before and who you are after.” — Ted Rynearson
The rest you have to figure out.
Sources:
https://www.mcgill.ca/oss/article/health-history/its-time-let-five-stages-grief-die
https://speakinggrief.org/get-better-at-grief/understanding-grief/no-step-by-step-process
